True Belonging

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.

Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.

Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

~ Brené Brown, "The Gifts of Imperfection"

For most of my life, my major survival mechanism has revolved around the need for approval. And I responded to this very primal longing for belonging in either one of two ways. I would pretend as if I could care less about the opinions of others-be aloof, distant, and withdrawn. Or, conversely, I would sell a story of myself that I thought would be desirable to others and bring me friendship, partnership and community. In my inauthenticity my boundaries, either too strong, or too permeable, became barriers to me receiving the gift of belonging.

Recently, as I have been unwinding these concepts within myself and seeking to be more authentic and vulnerable I have been presented with many opportunities to express my truth with those around me. And it has been a challenging and beautiful process: for many of my relationships have been founded in inauthenticity. In my search for approval as a path towards belonging I have created many tangled webs where I have purposefully withheld my real feelings, sometimes buried them so deeply that I even fooled myself. Understandably, as I have begun to give over to my true expression of self this has brought up some uncomfortable scenarios. Some of which have even ended long standing friendships.

Boundaries are so important, and often so counter intuitive, especially to those of us who have lost touch with our wildish instinctual selves through hierarchy and patriarchy. And I can take responsibility for the many many times in my life where I have taken things that happened that were outside my control and then shaped a story about them that I chose to box myself in with for far longer than was strictly necessary. My story, and the pieces of victimization that I have internalized, do not have to run the show. And when I actively work at self acceptance, just as Brené Brown says, I become free to relate with others not from a place of seeking approval, but simply from my heart. Finding the natural resonance of those around me that can see me for me, accept me for me, and love me for me. Difficult? Absolutely. Worth it? Without a doubt.

Lately Grandmother Spider has been coming to me frequently. I was walking in my neighborhood in Colorado and a Tarantula came scurrying out in front of me on the path and paused. I got in my car the other day to drive home from work and a little spider dropped down on its silvery web right at eye level to dangle in front of my face. The woman next to me at one of the workshops at the Red Earth Herbal Gathering had a striking tattoo of a spider on her ankle. A spider scittered across the floor in front of me at an ecstatic dance event I attended. I came home tonight to the tiniest little black and white spider making its home in my bathtub. Spiders are often associated with creativity and creative expression. Grandmother Spider is the American Indigenous interpretation of the female half of god. The divine creatrix who spins a web of dewdrops and breathes them into being as stars. We are blessed to each be a little miraculous fractal of universal consciousness and through our creative freewill we get to shape the kind of experience we get to have. We can weave webs of self acceptance and belonging, or tangle ourselves in the seeking of approval and inauthenticity. The choice is ours.

And we get to make that choice, reaffirm that choice, again and again. As with so many things in life, it is not about arrival, but about the little ritualistic radical acts of self care that we take over and over that eventually build into a life of meaning and purpose. And today, in the spirit of that, I would like to share a little vulnerable piece of myself and write out a song for you, dear reader, a little piece of my heartbeat shared in the knowledge that only by putting myself out there, can I ever truly hope to receive the gift of true belonging.

This little ditty came to me during a meditation I did with a grass plant in the desert of Southern Colorado. I want to credit the grass species for sharing this song with me, for the medicine it has brought into my life, and for the gift of being able to share it with others in the hopes that it will be of use to you and yours. It goes a little something like this:

The messes we’ve made and the lessons we’ve chosen

Are all a part of life’s impulse to blossom

Untangling the thread of your blessed emotion

Requires the gift of beginning again

(chorus)

So brush it out, Brush it out

Brush it out, Begin again

Begin again, Begin again

Begin again, Just brush it out

When following the path of your heart’s deepest calling

Don’t fall prey to the trap of false belonging

Stay true to yourself in all of your weavings

And remember the gift of beginning again

(chorus)

As together we braid our life giving stories

Manifesting our dreams and sending them soaring

Co-create in the image of God’s chosen glory

And remember the gift of beginning again

(chorus)